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The
Office Virus Line
DANGER:
new viruses discovered!: Turner Virus : When you attempt
to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating
that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.
Government Ecomomist Virus : Nothing works, but all your
diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order Virus : Probably harmless, but it makes
a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Capewell Commission Virus : Won't allow you to open your
files for 75 years.
Boss Virus : Makes your screen go completely white.
National Front Virus : Shifts all your output to the extreme
right of your screen.
Texas Virus : Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.
Adam And Eve Virus : Takes a couple of bytes out of your
Apple.
Edgars Virus : Constantly tries to prove it's virility
by attaching itself to younger or newer files.
Airline Virus : You're in Dallas, but your data is in
Singapore.
Freudian Virus : Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying
its own motherboard.
Tec Virus : Your PC stops what it's doing every few minutes
to ask for money.
Jimmy Hoffa Virus : Nobody can find it.
Townsend Virus : Helps your computer shut down whenever
it wants to.
Healthcare Virus : Tests your system for a day, finds
nothing wrong, and sends a you a bill for £2,500.
Walsall Police Station Virus : It claims it feels threatened
by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defence".
Edmonds Virus : When you save a file, it prints, "I am
saved!" to the screen.
Michael Jackson Virus : Hard to identify because it is
constantly altering its appearance. This Virus won't harm
your PC, but it will wreck your car.
And finally...
Chamber Virus : poses as a harmless list of funny computer
Virus names! Is quickly passed from one user to all
other users known via e-mail, consequently consuming
all known network resources.
The Latest Report on Windows98: New Error
Codes Assigned
Winerr 000 - Unexpected Intelligent User Detected; Please
Reload Everything
Winerr 001 - Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash
Repeatedly
Winerr 002 - Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet)
Winerr 003 - RAM Depleted; Annex Japan (Y/N)?
Winerr 004 - Deluxe Error. Please Send £75 to Upgrade
Your Error
Winerr 005 - Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make
Room for Filename
Winerr 006 - Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting
Fake Crash
Winerr 007 - Alphanumeric Sequence "OS2" Prohibited
Winerr 008 - This License Has Expired; Please Purchase
Another Copy
Winerr 009 - Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors
Winerr 00A - Non-Microsoft Application Encountered
Winerr 00B - Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room
for Advertisement
Winerr 00C - Windows Loaded Correctly This Time
Winerr 00D - User Error; Lemming Not Found
Winerr 00E - Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to
Redmondize
Winerr 00F - Reserved for Future Coding Errors
Winerr 010 - Virus Error - Other Applications Will Be
Closed Instead
Winerr 011 - Orwell Not Found; You Must Use MSN
Winerr 012 - Cash Underflow - Credit Card Number Will
Be Assimilated
Winerr 013 - Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow
Down
Winerr 014 - User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory
to Continue
Winerr 015 - Error Message Deleted
Winerr 016 - Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting
to Restart Error Sequence
Winerr 017 - Multitasking Attempted; System Confused
Winerr 018 - Network Error - Your Crash Will Be Replicated
to All Stations
Winerr 019 - Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft
Browser To Continue
Winerr 01A - Insult Detected -- Your Bill Gates Joke
Will Be Deleted
Winerr 01B - Error Removing Temp File; a Permanent File
Will Be Substituted
Winerr 01C - Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That.
Winerr 01D - Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error
Quota
Winerr 01E - Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here
Winerr 01F - Error In Progress; Please Wait....
Winerr 020 - Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost. Windows
Will Try To Remember
Winerr 021 - Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For
Next Error
Winerr 022 - Upgrade Error; Please Format Your Drive
And Reload Everything
Bill Gates v General Motors
At a recent computer export exhibition, Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the auto industry
and stated: "If General Motors had kept up with technology
like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
cheaper cars that did a 1000 miles per gallon".
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing
the statement:
"Yes,
but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Customer Service
"Hello.
Tech Support; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden
the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.]
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.]
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept
anything I type."
[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like
a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her
monitor's power plug?]
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like
a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when
it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think
so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if
it's plugged into the wall."
[pause] "Yes, it is."
[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have
accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send
him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't
know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to
have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable
is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor,
did you notice that there were two cables plugged into
the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again
and find the other cable."
[muffled] "Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely
into the back of your computer."
[still muffled] "I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
[clear again] "No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's
because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I
have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power cut."
"A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]"A power cut? Aha! Okay,
we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes
and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack
it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it
back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!"
Computer
Technician
One of the finest support techs in the country was drafted
into the Territorial Army and sent for Training.
At the rifle range, he was given some instructions,
handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded
the rifle and fired several shots at the target which
was fifty yards away.
The report came from the target area that all of his
attempts had completely missed the target.
The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target.
He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at
the target. He placed his finger over the end of the
rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other
hand.
The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he
yelled toward the target area...
"It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at
your end!"
Computer Technician 2
Once there were four engineers traveling in a car. While
they were traveling to their destination the car stalled
on them.
Then the first engineer who was a mechanical engineer
said, "don't worry its probably engine problems. I will
just pop open the bonnet and take a look at the motor".
Then the second engineer, who was an electrical engineer,
said, "no, no ,no. It is an electrical problem. Just
let me look at the fuse box and I will find the problem".
The third engineer, who was a chemical engineer, said,
"its just a problem with the fuel. Flush out all of
the petrol and replace it with new clean petrol and
you will see that the car will be fine."
Then the three engineers looked at the fourth who was
a computer engineer. And his response was... "Why don't
we just get out of the car, shut all of the doors, and
then open them again and get back in and start it!"
How to worry your fellow workers with your
computer
- Log
on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your
face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and
bolt.
- Laugh
uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly
stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at
you.
- When
your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor
on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work.
After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it
off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
- Type
frantically, often stopping to look at the person
next to you evilly.
- Before
anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to
a different screen than the one it's set up with.
- Write
a program that plays the Batman TV show theme song
and play it at the highest volume possible over &
over again.
- Work
normally for a while.
- Suddenly
look amazingly startled by something on the screen
and crawl underneath the desk.
- Ask
the person next to you if they know how to tap into
top-secret Pentagon files.
- Make
a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you
turn it on.
- Bring
a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you
have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
- Light
candles in a pentagram around your terminal before
starting.
- Put
a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets.
Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
- Try
to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk
drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
- When
you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly
where the smiling Apple face is.
- Laugh
hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!"
and continue working.
- Bring
some dry ice & make it look like your computer is
smoking.
- Assign
a musical note to every key (i.e. the Delete key is
A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you
hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper
this way.
- Bring
in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
- When
doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that
sometimes the old ways are best.
- Play
"Pong" for hours on the most powerful computer in
the lab.
- Keep
looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain
that the lead doesn't work.
- Run
into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!",
then calmly sit down and begin to type.
- Wait
until the monitor on duty leaves the room. Start typing
worriedly at your computer while frantically looking
around the room. When the monitor on duty comes back
in, go up to him, shout "Thank God you're here!",
then run out.
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